Mother’s Day

I don’t really care about Mother’s Day. I did once, when I was a new mom. But new mom’s don’t get celebrated on Mother’s Day, old moms do.

I felt like more was done for my mother in law and expected for my own mother than I got.

I still feel that way but I don’t care as much. Mother’s Day has nothing to do with me. I became a mom the day my son was born. Today is just the second Sunday in May.

My relationship with my own mother isn’t good. Never was, I just didn’t realize it until a few years ago.

In the age of social media, people post all these flowery words about their mothers. Not just on Mother’s Day but just in general. “So thankful for my mommy.” “My mom is my best friend” “Happy birthday to the person that made me who I am”. All my friends on Facebook do this, including my sisters. I never did. And I felt bad about that.

I never did because I don’t feel that way. I would have never been able to articulate that a few years ago. I don’t feel like my mother is a martyr or that she did her best or that she’s my best friends. Since that’s how I felt deep in my core and I’m incapable of being fake, I didn’t post those flowery things.

I felt like a bad daughter. What kind of person doesn’t feel that way about her mother? A bad one.

My gut was right, I later learned. And that’s tough. It makes today tough.

I am doing everything in my power to be different than her so my kids don’t feel like I do.

My sons and I say “I love you” a lot. In silly ways sometimes. My oldest will ask me if I love him and I’ll say yes and he’ll say “yay!” like it’s a surprise.

Yesterday he said “you’re the best mom” in the silly way he does and I said thanks. Then he said, “I know you’re the best mom. I say it so you’ll know it too”. My sweet boy. The one that made me a mother.

Everyday I hope to be better so you and your brother never feel like I do. So you never feel so much uncertainty and anxiety and pain. So you only feel love and support from me. Like you should from a mother.

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