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Mother’s Day

I don’t really care about Mother’s Day. I did once, when I was a new mom. But new mom’s don’t get celebrated on Mother’s Day, old moms do. I felt like more was done for my mother in law and expected for my own mother than I got. I still feel that way but IContinue reading “Mother’s Day”

Shame vs Guilt

Another gem from my trauma therapist – the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is the feeling that you are bad. Guilt is the feeling that your actions are bad. A normal amount of both is necessary to live in world with others. They keep a person (most of us 😉 ) from scratching theirContinue reading “Shame vs Guilt”

First day of school

My son will enter his last elementary school for the first time tomorrow. We moved a week into the pandemic and he started this school year at the neighborhood school; literally across the street from our house. He’s never been inside. He’s in the 5th grade. He will be attending two days per week dueContinue reading “First day of school”

The Sweet Potato Incident

This is the first in a series of blogs I intend to write about my experience being homeless as a young child and the events leading up to it as I have come to understand them. My mother joined the Army in late 1981/early 1982. My sister Sara and I were 1 and 2, respectively.Continue reading “The Sweet Potato Incident”

COVID and OCPD

This pandemic has been tough on me. It’s been tough on everyone in different ways. I try hard to not shame myself into thinking my struggles are not valid. We moved during this. Not that it matters but it was never our intention to move during a global pandemic. As the world closed down weContinue reading “COVID and OCPD”

My nervous breakdown

Four years ago I had a nervous breakdown. It was the best thing that could have happened.

Thanksgiving

Repost from my Facebook page. Written Thanksgiving 2019. I’ve never liked Thanksgiving. I think it’s stupid. It’s food based and the drama that comes with it isn’t worth roast turkey and stuffing. But I’m grateful we did our Sisters’ Thanksgiving last year. It was the first time we’d all four been together since my weddingContinue reading “Thanksgiving”

Help

I didn’t do normal kid rebellious stuff. I didn’t sneak out, I wasn’t on the phone late. I didn’t really go out with friends much at all. I was an easy teenager. I made good grades, felt bad when I didn’t. I was a Girl Scout. But there were warning signs. There had to be.Continue reading “Help”

This is me

I relate so hard to Randall Pearson on This Is Us. From the stuff with his dad, his family, his need to succeed, his breakdowns, his anxiety. He’s textbook Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Just like me. His conversation with Kate at the cabin in this week’s episode hit me hard. I know he was talkingContinue reading “This is me”

Lonely

I don’t have friends. Not real ones. I don’t trust I guess. I’m not capable of being a good friend. I don’t reach out. I wish I did. I don’t have anyone but my husband and therapist to really confide in. They both analyze everything I say. I think this will be just be howContinue reading “Lonely”

Pretending

I haven’t spoken to my mother much since my sister was murdered over a year ago. Honestly, that started a month before my sister died. I tried to talk to her about things I’ve learned in therapy and she hung up on me. So I don’t talk to her. Talking to her means I haveContinue reading “Pretending”

Teary-eyed Female

My sophomore year of college was rough. My freshman year ended badly, I had two jobs and a nervous breakdown that summer. Going into sophomore year I was a Resident Assistant and wasn’t sure if I had any friends. I didn’t have a roommate. I gained twenty pounds. I went to the health center aContinue reading “Teary-eyed Female”

On the Road

When I was 2 and my sister Sara was 1, my mother joined the Army. This was late 1981, early 1982. It never occurred to me until recently how strange a choice it was for a mother of two babies to make, especially in the early 80s. She went to boot camp in New JerseyContinue reading “On the Road”

The Glass Castle

This is repost from my Facebook page from February 2019: My therapist had me read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls for homework (PS if your therapist doesn’t give you homework, ask for it. If they don’t, find a new therapist.). She thought, because of my background, I’d relate to it. My family’s situation didn’tContinue reading “The Glass Castle”

Welcome to Big Sister

I had a nervous breakdown in February 2017. Since then I’ve learned a lot about myself and my family. I’ve also learned a lot about mental illnesses, personality disorders, addiction, homelessness and childhood trauma. Then between February 2017 and now, my estranged father died and my younger sister was murdered. I’m not sure what thisContinue reading “Welcome to Big Sister”

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